The Theories and Experiments of Uzumaki Naruto
by EeBee-kohai
Summary: Naruto and Sakura have a small argument that results in Naruto showing Team Seven his many theories. Going through the list of Naruto-verse Shinobi, he demonstrates their weaknesses through his genius. Pretty much crack fiction. No pairings.
1. Chapter 1: It's Not Only Ramen In There

**It's Not Only Ramen in There!**

Sakura, Sasuke, Kakashi, and Naruto slowly walked away from the Ichiraku Ramen Bar toward the training grounds late in the afternoon. Kakashi, after a lot of groveling from Team Seven, had agreed to actually train them. It was a surprise to all of them.

They had stopped training when Naruto had threatened to say "Believe it" and "Dattebayo" over and over for two hours if they didn't go get ramen with him. In the end, everyone agreed they rather wanted ramen anyway.

During the walk back to the grounds, Naruto's ongoing chatter about orange and being Hokage was the only sound, and other than that the walk had been rather quiet. After no one replied to his talking, Naruto shut up and idly glanced around him, looking for something entertaining.

The team arrived at the training grounds only a few really, really slow minutes later. Naruto's impatience took over, and when he couldn't think of anything smart to say, he decided to resort to inane complaints, "Why couldn't we just run? This was so slow–Dattebayo! Why do always have to go at your pace? Huh, Kakashi-sensei?"

Kakashi sighed nonchalantly, "You could have gone ahead."

Naruto sulked, thinking, _'I would have, only every time I do, you yell at me,' _but instead said, "Bleh. You suck. Believe it! Dattebayo!"

As usual, Sakura sat by a tree on dry ground, so she wouldn't get her dress dirty. Naruto considered using Rasengan on her. Sasuke decided to try to perfect his Chidori, though he had it down more than a hundred percent. Naruto decided to try to modernize his Rasengan. He had been experimenting with changing the color lately, though it was a useless prospect.

Sakura got up and walked over to Naruto. "You know, you will never be as good at that as Sasuke."

Naruto chuckled inside and slowly shook his head, "Do you realize, Sakura, that these are two completely different Jutsus? Mine is Rasengan; his is Chidori, thus, they can't even be compared–Dattebayo."

Sakura went bright red, thinking, _'What's a Jutsu?'_ And shouted, "Naruto! Don't pretend to be smart! You've never had a significant thought in your life!"

Naruto 'calmly' refuted that statement, "Oh yeah? I have many–Dattebayo!"

"Don't lie to a woman! You don't even have a brain! You have ROCKS!"

Naruto was getting ticked off, "I don't care if you are a woman. Bleh. And I'm not lying."

"If you're so smart, give me an example of your 'smartness'!" she mocked evilly.

"Fine! My theories are a few of the 'smart' thoughts I have! They are certain observations I make, and the causes that I think would happen if the theories were to occur."

Sakura steamed, "I know what a theory is, Naruto. What are some of your theories if you are so thoughtful? Huh?"

Naruto sighed as he watched Kakashi and Sasuke come over. "Yeah, Naruto, what are they?" questioned Sasuke.

"Why do you need to know?" Naruto questioned.

"We're… curious." Sasuke admitted.

Kakashi tried to keep the interest out of his eye, which was twitching with excitement as "I guess I wouldn't mind knowing…" Kakashi pulled out his Icha Icha Paradise and pretended to read it.

"Ok. My first theory is this," Naruto hesitated, "I have a theory that when Kakashi-sensei is interested in something, he takes his book out and pretends not to be," sigh, "but for some reason his eye is really readable, so it's kind of obvious." Naruto glanced around to see agreement on everyone but Kakashi's faces.

"What?? How could you! I'm definitely going to punish you for saying such a thing!" Kakashi said while trying and failing not to be interested while pretending to read his Icha Icha Paradise.

Sasuke chuckled.

"You asked what my theories were–Dattebayo…" Naruto grumbled as Sakura hit him on the head.


	2. Chapt 2: Modern Technology and More Sake

**Modern Technology and More Sake**

Sakura glared, trying to hide her laughter as Kakashi yelled at Naruto. Sasuke took a picture.

"Don't you pull silly tricks like that! I'm not that readable! My eye doesn't show everything! ARRGGGGH!" Kakashi yelled, as his eye showed anger and entertainment: everything.

"Fine! Whatever! Just let me tell you another theory–Dattebayo," said Naruto dismissively. Everyone nodded and Kakashi stopped trying to hit Naruto with a nunchaku. Sasuke took a picture. "So my next theory is… if Tsunade-sama ran out of sake, she would go crazy… literally crazy."

"I don't know… maybe a little nuts," Sakura slightly disagreed.

"I guess. I think it's a possibility." Sasuke said thoughtfully and took another picture.

"You're so stupid for thinking that, Naruto!" Sakura shouted.

"Yooouuu wanted to know!" Naruto said, slightly frustrated.

"I agree with Naruto. She's already out of her mind. She only needs a little push," Kakashi argued, suddenly extremely civil toward Naruto. Sasuke took a picture.

"Hehe…let's try it," Sasuke suggested with an evil grin.

* * *

While Tsunade was sleeping, Team 7 snuck into Tsunade's quarters and stole all of the sake there. They went into her office next, and took the rest of her 289 bottles of sake. Wow. That's a lot of sake. They made their way out of the Hokage tower as quietly as possible.

* * *

"Agh… Shizune! I need more sake!" Tsunade growled at her assistant the next morning.

Shizune looked at her, eyebrows raised, "…"

"What are you standing there for?" Tsunade stared at Shizune, annoyed. "GET ME SAKE!" Tsunade screamed, causing a scared 'eep' noise to come from Shizune.

"Maybe you should cut down on sake…" suggested Shizune.

"Hehe! That is the funniest thing I've heard in all of my years."

"It's not funny to be an alcoholic!"

"Yeah, yeah. My cute little assistant!" Tsunade pinched Shizune's cheeks. Shizune cringed away from Tsunade's breath, _'WOW!' _Sasuke took a picture.

"Tsunade! Be more responsible!" Shizune exclaimed, very aggravated.

"Sure. Hmm…" Tsunade finished the last of her sake. "Damn. I've only drunk 332 bottles today. I was hoping to beat the world record." She started to feel a little woozy, but shook her head, not making it any better. "NEED SAKE… NOW!!"

"Humph," grunted Shizune. She walked away toward the door to go to the market to get more sake. Sasuke took a picture. Before she had even left the building she heard a loud 'bleh' coming from the drunken form of Tsunade. _'I wonder if she keeled over.'_

Shizune walked back into the room where Tsunade was and abruptly decided that Tsunade needed to be put into a mental hospital when she saw Tsunade sucking on her thumb and singing with bunny ears on her head.

"IF YOU'RE SHAPPY AND YOU DOW BIT–hick–CLAP YOUR BANDS–hick–IF YOU'RE SHAPPY AND YOU DOWN BIT–hick–SHPAP YOU'RE–Bleh." Tsunade sang until she 'bleh'-ed. Shizune shook her head regretfully, picked her up and took her to the nearest mental hospital. Sasuke took a picture.

* * *

"Wow…" said Sasuke, Sakura, and Kakashi as Team Seven visited Tsunade in Konoha's Mental Institution. Sasuke forgot took a picture.

"I… can't even say I'm surprised." Kakashi shook his head sadly.

"Hmm…" Sasuke agreed.

"What are those zappy things?" asked Kakashi, not sure he wanted to know.

"…Well… let's just say it's all… modern–Dattebayo…" Naruto stammered.


	3. Chapter 3: With Love, From Naruto

**Thank you Animaman for the idea for this chapter! And thanks for the camera idea, Animaman! I'm going to us it in the next chapters, also!**

* * *

**With Love, From Naruto**

Later in the afternoon, Sakura had gone to the makeup store and Naruto decided to tell Kakashi and Sasuke another theory.

"My next theory is that Sakura and Ino's affection for you, Sasuke, is pretty much just in their heads–Dattebayo," Naruto said matter-of-factly.

Sasuke's face began to twist angrily, "don't accuse my fan-girls of such a thing!" Sasuke shouted, face turning red in rage.

"Actually, Sasuke, I agree with Naruto," Kakashi pointed out.

"WHAT?" Sasuke screamed as if he'd just seen a pig fly. Sasuke took a picture with the camera he'd purchased, but there actually was no flying pig.

"I said I–"

"I know what you said. It's my–my poor, poor fan-girls!"

"I guess we'll test it, too?" Naruto said excitedly.

* * *

A couple minutes later, they were in a bathroom putting Emo Make-up on Naruto. Sasuke was putting Emo Hair-gel in Naruto's hair and quickly touching up his own hair. Though it upset Naruto greatly, he changed into a black T-shirt and black pants. Sasuke took a picture. He looked into a mirror; within a few minutes, he looked almost as Emo as Sasuke. _'He's had a great mentor.'_ Sasuke thought with tears in his eyes. Sasuke took a picture. Sasuke attempted to smile at his work and made Kakashi throw up on his recently dry-cleaned mask. Sasuke took WAAAYYYYY more than one picture.

Naruto walked out of the bathroom slowly with a distinctly uncomfortable feeling in his stomach. Sasuke took a picture. It was either that he was extremely nervous, or that he'd accidentally swallowed some of the eyeliner. Sasuke took a picture of Naruto's expression.

* * *

As Naruto walked through Konoha, he spotted Ino and walked up to her. He gave her a big kiss on the lips. She was shocked at the maneuver, but she recovered quickly.

She looked him over, "I love you! You're so HOT! Oh, Naruto-kun. Be mine!" She screamed, deafening Kakashi. Sasuke took a picture.

Naruto felt even sicker. The feeling did not get better as she kissed him, knocking him over. Sasuke took a picture.

He pushed her away and ran for his life with Sasuke and Kakashi.

* * *

They came across Sakura and Naruto quickly captured her lips in a sickening kiss. Sasuke took yet another picture. She pushed Naruto away before she really saw his new 'do'.

"Oh Kami! You look so Emo! And hot! And… wow! Will you marry me?"

Naruto fought the sudden urge to throw up. Sasuke took a picture.

"… We could walk down the aisle to my new song: I LOVE NARUUUUTTTOOO! HE LOVES MEEEEE! NARUTO AND I LOOOOVE EACHOTTTHERRR!"

Naruto, Sasuke, and Kakashi ran away as if their lives depended on it. Sasuke didn't have a chance to take a picture. From a distance, they heard Sakura singing, "PLEEEASE, BABY! PLEASE DON'T GOOOOO! I NEEEED YOU NOOOOOWWWWW!" Naruto felt some strange crackling in his ears.

* * *

Hinata stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Naruto. There was more than just shock evident in her face, "NOOOOO! We've got to get you to a hospital! You've got a really bad case of Emo-itis!" Sasuke took a picture. Naruto glared at him, increasing the affect of the Emo-ness.

Falling to her knees and crying, Hinata wondered, _'what is the world coming to? Even the strongest aren't safe.'_


	4. Chapte 4: Long Hair and a Desperate Need

**Thank you Lil' DeiDei for your wonderful idea for this chapter. ;)**

* * *

**Long Hair and a Desperate Need**

The three males of Team Seven stood in the bathroom trying to get the Emo-stuff products off of Naruto.

"I told you not to get anything permanent," grumbled Naruto. "Dattebayo."

Sakura stood outside of the bathrooms, crying, "I miss you! I miss you so much!"

"Sasuke! Take your stupid fan-girls back!"

"I'll try… if you tell us another theory. MWAHAHAHA!" Sasuke laughed manically.

"… yeah… do that…" Naruto had completely forgotten that Kakashi was even there.

"Fine. So, I think that if someone stole Neji's hairbrush, his life would fall apart…"

"What do you mean?" Kakashi asked.

"First, he would proclaim, 'Everything I have worked for in my life means NOTHING!'" Naruto mocked Neji's voice. "Second, he would quit being a ninja. Third, he'd turn dangerously Emo… he'd rank just under Sasuke. Fourth, he would probably have to go to the hospital from all the Emo-ness."

Sasuke growled, "Whatever."

Kakashi quickly bobbed his head in agreement, "Naruto! You're so smart!"

"Let's try it," Sasuke laughed manically again and stood in front of red anime-style flames.

* * *

Team Seven, now including the Naruto-obsessive Sakura, waited until the sun went down, and snuck into the Hyuuga complex. The group clumsily entered the branch family's house and made their way to Neji's personal bathroom. Looking around, they realized that Neji's hairbrush was not there.

They found their way to Neji's bedroom and noticed the shiny pink hairbrush he was cuddling in his sleep. Sakura tried to pry it away, but Neji clutched it harder. Sasuke took a picture, but found that he was not satisfied. Sasuke took more pictures.

"No! My love! Don't leave me!" Neji cried in his sleep. Sasuke took a picture.

"Wow. He's… obsessive…" whispered Sasuke.

Everyone turned to him, staring incredulously.

"What?" he asked, quietly.

"Yooouuu're one to talk about obsessions."

Sasuke was about to refute that statement when Sakura reminded them of the task at hand, "Guys, the hairbrush."

They managed, after knocking Neji out and giving him a broken arm, to get the hairbrush. Sasuke took a picture.

* * *

The very next day, Team Seven was talking about their previous experiment.

"…I haven't seen him anywhere," Sasuke shrugged.

"Maybe he tried to kill himself," Sakura said hopefully.

"…Hmm…" Kakashi imagined the idea of Neji killing himself with such hopefulness, that he'd stopped listening to the surrounding conversation.

"Maybe he's searching through his room vigorously to find his hairbrush." Naruto chuckled at the thought.

"Baka," Sakura insulted.

"Loser," Sasuke agreed.

* * *

While Team Seven was arguing about Neji's 'fate', Neji was searching through his room vigorously to find his hairbrush.

He fell to his knees. "Everything I have worked for in my life means NOTHING!" he screamed.

He ran downstairs as tears began to fall. He sprinted past Hinata and Hiashi, leaving them both thoroughly surprised as he screamed things sounding like "hairbrushes…" and "life is OVER".

* * *

Team Seven's argument was getting very heated when an ANBU member popped up.

"Naruto, you are needed by the council. Please follow me." The ANBU spoke swiftly and without emotion. Sasuke took a picture. Naruto complied.

In front of the council, Naruto stood with a confused look.

"Hello, Naruto," Danzo addressed him, slightly peeved. "I'm sure you have heard that Tsunade-sama had to go to the mental hospital…"

'_Duh. It was kind of my fault–Dattebayo,' _thought Naruto.

"Anyway, the reason we called you here is to announce," Danzo sighed, "that she named you as her successor."

"Cool! So I'm the new Hokage??? Dattebayo!"

"Yup," Danzo said, resignation in his voice.

* * *

Neji ran to the Hokage tower. He had a major announcement to make. He ran to the door and was about to open it when he read, "Hokage is out. Come back later. Dattebayo! Believe it!" Neji wondered if it was a joke.

He turned around and ran straight into Naruto.

"Naruto, why are you wearing the 'Hokage's uniform'?" Neji cocked an eyebrow.

"I AM the Hokage, silly–Dattebayo! Tsunade is in a mental hospital and she named me as her successor."

"WHAT? HOW? WHY?" Neji fell to his knees and unconsciously reached into his pack for his hairbrush for comfort. He cried out to Kami when he couldn't find it. "NOOO!!!! MY HAIRBRUSH!!!"

Naruto raised an eyebrow delicately. "Whoa…"

* * *

Team Seven, excluding Naruto, had gotten tired of waiting, so they walked toward the council to find Naruto. They were received quite rudely, but got their explanations.

"… So we _HAD_ to make Naruto Hokage." Danzo finished. Sasuke took a picture. Danzo glared.

The team rushed out as fast as they could toward the Hokage tower to find Naruto. They charged into his office to see Neji on the floor crying and Naruto crouching against the opposite wall in pain.

"HELP ME! I CAN'T TAKE IT! THE PAIN! THE PAIN!" Naruto screamed like he was being tortured. Sasuke took a picture.

"What's wrong?" Sakura asked.

"He won't stop TALKING!" Naruto yelled. "I don't want to hear it! His Emo-ness is WORSE than Sasuke's!" Sasuke looked annoyed at that comment. Naruto continued even louder. "He quit being a ninja. He keeps telling me his problems! I'm not a damn counselor! SAVE MY EARS!!"

* * *

Sasuke and Kakashi were trying there hardest to restrain Naruto from brutally killing Neji, when red chakra started to exert from his body. Sasuke and Kakashi backed up, afraid for their lives. Sakura had high-tailed it out of there at the first signs of instability in Naruto.

Neji continued crying. "I just can't take life anymore! I resign! I resign, I say! I am a ninja no more!" he exclaimed dramatically. Sasuke took a picture as Naruto attacked Neji.

* * *

"…All I said was that he'd need to be hospitalized. I didn't say why or how! How could I have known that I'd hospitalize him because he annoyed me so much? I was right though–Dattebayo…"

Sasuke smirked and looked back down at the scrapbook he was completing. He glued some pink ribbon to the corner of the page and smile with satisfaction.


	5. Chapter 5: Purple Nail Polish

**Purple Nail Polish**

"Wow," muttered Sasuke. He was still slightly in shock from Neji's major breakdown.

"…Yeah…" Naruto concurred.

Kakashi shook his head, slightly sorrowful, but mostly not surprised. "I'm not so surprised. I mean… he uses Pantene Shampoo and Conditioner daily and he refuses to get a haircut."

Sakura walked over to the group just then. "So… Naruto… you seem to be pretty smart." She fluttered her eyelashes.

"Hehe…" Naruto scratched his cheek. "That's not even nearly my last theory."

"Oh yeah?" Sakura prompted interestedly.

Both Sasuke and Kakashi perked up and turned toward Naruto.

"My next theory involves–" he paused for dramatic effect. "The _Akatsuki_–Dattebayo!"

Everyone turned to look at Sasuke's reaction, knowing his obsession for revenge on Itachi. He grinned evilly, oblivious to his audience.

"Hehe… Mwahahaha… MWAHAHAHA!" he began to laugh manically.

"Anyway…" Naruto raised an eyebrow at Sasuke, who was still laughing. "I think the Akatsuki would turn up in Konoha if the local make-up store started selling purple nail polish."

"How do you know the store doesn't already?" Sasuke asked.

"…" Naruto looked embarrassed.

"Gross! You shop at the make-up store!" Sakura hit him on the head.

"Guys! Shut up! We have to plan how to get the store to sell purple nail polish!" Kakashi exclaimed.

* * *

Team Seven sat in a dark room with a man wearing bright red robes and a mask that resembled a cat.

"…Sign here…and here…initial here…date it here…and sign it here," Kakashi instructed, pointing to various spots on a long contract. "OK! We are now in business! You get Sasuke for two weeks."

"And I'll make it known worldwide that I sell purple nail polish." The man shook Kakashi's hand.

"Naruto, why didn't we let him have Sakura?" Kakashi asked.

"Who would want her? She sucks–Dattebayo!"

"True," Kakashi agreed.

"HELP ME! BLEH–" Sasuke screamed behind them.

* * *

Kakashi was sitting on a flimsy branch reading Icha Icha when he fell onto the ground. Excluding the fact that the branch itself was flimsy, he found no reason to have fallen. He put his book away when fish-man Kisame dropped on his head.

"What the he–" Kakashi stopped. "Fish-man! What are you doing here?"

"I'm here for the PURPLE NAIL POLISH SALE!!!" He hopped about excitedly for a few minutes. "Apparently it's great quality. And sooo shiny!" He spun around in circles dreamily. "Itachi will surely fall for me!"

Kakashi slowly, so as not to be attacked by the rabid Itachi-fanboy, backed away and ran for his life. He stopped when he saw Itachi talking to Naruto.

"Oh! The PURPLE NAIL POLISH SALE!" Itachi exclaimed happily. "Maybe Kisame-fish-man-kun will finally fall in love with me!?!" He paused and his eyes went dark. "Has Sasuke gotten any of the shiny-purple-goodness?"

"Noooo. We gave him to the makeup store owner."

"Oh. OK."

* * *

Sakura, Kakashi, and Naruto all sat at the training ground looking rather annoyed. Kakashi and Naruto were trying to explain to Sakura why they'd had to trade Sasuke.

"He wouldn't sell the purple nail polish, so we had to bribe him," Kakashi explained.

"But you couldn't you have given him someone weird, like Lee or Naruto?" Sakura asked, frustrated and confused.

"No. We can't trade Naruto because he could tell enemy Shinobi his theories!" Kakashi shivered.

"Enemy Shinobi?" she shouted incredulously. "ENEMY SHINOBI? The man owns a makeup store!"

Kakashi shrugged. "…And Lee's too strong to tie up. Plus, he'd escape. The makeup store owner _is_ just a civilian, after all," Kakashi explained. He earned a glare from Sakura.

"Humph." Sakura grunted. _'Poopy. They're right.'_

Just then, Deidara fell out of a tree and landed inches from Sakura.

"Awe, man! I missed!" He snapped his fingers and threw a ball of clay at Kakashi.

"What the h***? What was that for?"

"I dunno…" Deidara glanced around and pulled a scroll out of his cloak. He started scratching his head and muttering. "Take a left… no… right? Wait… That's the wrong way. Awe, man!"

"Do you need directions?" Kakashi asked the S-Ranked criminal as if he had not just thrown a ball of clay at him without any reason whatsoever.

"Sure. Where can I find the makeup store?" Deidara clapped his hands together and sparkles appeared in his eyes. Sasuke materialized and tried to take a picture. He ran out of film. Sasuke quickly changed the film and took another picture before disappearing again.

"Go past the Hokage tower and Ichiraku's." Kakashi noticed Naruto's dreamy gaze at the mention of his favorite ramen bar. "Take a left before the Hyuuga complex and it's right after the deserted Uchiha sector," Kakashi instructed slowly.

Deidara nodded a quick "Arigato!" and skipped away. "La la la la!" he sang happily, not realizing that Kakashi had sent him in the direction of those who were searching for the empty-headed Akatsuki member.

* * *

Kakashi stood behind a tree, trying to blend in with the setting. _'That's what I get for refusing to call her Anko-hime.'_

Anko was nearby screaming _interesting_ expletives and holding a handful of high quality Kunai. Kakashi idly wondered where she purchased her Kunai. He gulped as he saw her advance slowly.

Suddenly, just as Anko threw her Kunai, Pein and Konan materialized in a really stupid spot. Anko's Kunai hit them directly. Kakashi ran for his life. Sasuke popped up and took a picture.

* * *

As Naruto and Sakura were eating ramen, they were unaware of a strange man sending weird glances in their direction. The man stood and walked over to Naruto and poked him.

"What the heck–Dattebayo?"

"Um…" the man, better known as Sasori of the Red Sand, shook his head sadly. "I accidentally became human again and I can't use puppets for some reason." He paused regretfully. "That was my only move…"

"Wow." Naruto frowned at Sasori and thought about giving the highly dangerous criminal a hug. Well, he _used_ to be dangerous. "You… can poke people? It's like… an even _cheesier_ form of Juuken."

"Yeah… um… where's the makeup store?" he asked rudely.

"Take a left up at S-Ranked-Criminals-Are-Doomed Road, and then just keep walking for a while–Dattebayo," Naruto mocked.

"Arigato!" Sasori sauntered away.

"Did he… really accept that answer–Dattebayo?" Naruto asked in disbelief.

"…" Sakura was speechless. Had the criminal been so dumb before?

As the pair sat wondering why Sasori was so stupid, Hidan came running past them, followed by Kakuzu.

"Get the f*** away from me!" Hidan screamed.

"Give me back my money! I'm the Akatsuki's treasurer: _you take from me; you take from the Akatsuki_!" Kakuzu exclaimed, trying to beat Hidan with a stick.

"No! My money! I HAVE TO BUY MY NAIL POLISH!"

"…" Sakura raised an eyebrow.

"Dattebayo!" Naruto muttered.

Hidan and Kakuzu disappeared, but could be heard in the distance screaming about nail polish and money. Pein and Konan came into view just moments later, still with Anko's Kunai embedded in their skulls. Naruto idly wondered why they hadn't removed them.

"D*** it. Where'd they go?" Pein grumbled.

"I don't know. Wait… should I know?" Konan worried.

"Blah blah blah," Pein grumbled. "That's all they do! I just _had_ to become the leader of the most bird-brained organization in the world! Geez!" He waved his hands in frustration. Konan tried to comfort him, but she was really worrying about getting purple nail polish.

The two slowly wandered off and left Sakura and Naruto to contemplate a criminal organizations insane obsession with purple nail polish.

* * *

A few days later, Konoha had caught Sasori, Deidara, Hidan, and Kakuzu. Kakashi and Naruto were training and Sakura was drooling.

"Naruto! You should wear more eyeliner!" Sakura suggested.

Naruto ran. As he was running, a childish figure skipped into the training ground.

"La la la la! TOBI'S SUCH A GOOD BOY!" he sang. "EEK! Zetzu! Don't eat Tobi!" Tobi ran from the veggie who was trying to eat him.

"I'm going to eat you… then I'll get PURPLE NAIL POLISH!" Zetzu smiled. Kakashi threw up. Sasuke materialized and took a picture.

Tobi hopped around some more, still singing. Sakura drooled. Kakashi changed his mask while no one was looking. Tobi skipped away, followed by Zetzu. As Naruto turned to discuss the occurrence with his team, something caught his attention.

"Um. Kakashi-sensei? Why are…" Naruto shivered. "Why are you wearing a hot pink mask?"

"I ran out of masks," he explained.

Naruto stared at Kakashi's mask. _'Wow,'_ Naruto thought. _'That thing is _bright_.'_

Sakura drooled. Sasuke appeared again and took a picture.

* * *

Later that evening, Naruto was heading to his new sleeping quarters at the Hokage tower. As he stalked up the long flight of stairs, an ANBU member attacked him from above.

"Oops. Sorry Rokudaime-sama. I was trying to land in _front_ of you." The ANBU slowly glanced above him and tried to calculate why he'd missed. He pulled out a calculator. He began typing and scratching his head.

All the while, Naruto lay on the ground with the calculating ANBU on top of him. "GEROFFAME!" he grumbled into the ground.

"Huh?" the ANBU glanced down in shock. "What are you doing Hokage-sama?" The ANBU made no move to get off of Naruto.

Naruto glared and pushed the ANBU off of him.

"Bleh," said the ANBU as he tumbled down the stairs. He landed at the bottom and cautiously walked toward the angered Hokage. "Um… I have news on the Akatsuki: every member, except Tobi, has been caught and is in captivity."

Naruto's annoyance vanished. "Oh! Good! That's one less thing to wo– _**WAIT!**_ What do you mean by _'except Tobi'_?" Naruto exclaimed.

"…We can't really keep him in captivity…"

"And why not–Dattebayo?" Naruto's eye twitched.

"… Uh… according to his papers, he's a minor. We could put him in juvenile prison, but he probably doesn't even know what that is," the ANBU explained.

"Agh. Whatever." Naruto grumbled his way back to his quarters. Stupid Tobi. Stupid Akatsuki. Stupid nail polish.

Sasuke took a picture.

"Sasuke, what are you doing here–Dattebayo?"

****Poof**** and Sasuke disappeared.


	6. Chapter 6: Dancing With Barbies

**Thank you, again, Animaman! You are amazing! This chapter is mostly Animaman's idea. It wasn't a hard chapter to write, because I strongly believe that Sasuke _does_ watch the Barbie Girl music video every night! Oh yeah, there is merciless Sasuke-bashing ahead.**

**Dancing with Barbies**

As he had done plenty of times that day, Naruto was running for his life. Surprisingly, it was not the paperwork of being the Hokage he was running from. It was Sakura. She was freaking him out. And chasing him.

Hokage robes billowing out behind him, he pushed himself faster. "HELP ME! I'M BEING STALKED–DATTEBAYO!"

Strangely, Naruto had made it to his life-time goal of being Hokage, but he couldn't seem to shake the one thing that would always scare him: _fan-girls_.

"Naruto-kun! I love you! And I promised I won't ever sneak into your quarters ever again!" Sakura cried, far behind him.

Naruto closed his eyes briefly and took a deep breath. He ran straight into Kakashi.

"Mwahahaha! I'm going to sell you to the _FAN-GIRLS_ if you don't tell me a theory! MWAHAHAHA!" Kakashi laughed manically.

"No! Not the _FAN-GIRLS_! I'm going to die! I don't want to die! Dattebayo!" Naruto cried.

Kakashi tied him up into a very uncomfortable ball. "Tell me a theory, Naruto!"

Naruto thought for a moment, panic evident in his features. "Hey! This is an offense punishable by execution!"

Kakashi stared at him blankly. "What is?"

"Kidnapping the Hokage!"

"Where'd you find that out?" Kakashi asked.

"I read the Konoha Constitution," Naruto stated, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. To anyone other than Kakashi, who only tended to read Icha Icha, it probably was.

Naruto turned his head abruptly as the sound of fan-girls got closer. One by one, the fan-girls stomped into the room and beat up Kakashi.

"MANGEKYO SHARINGAN!" Kakashi exclaimed.

About twenty drooling girls collapsed to the ground.

"Well, Naruto. How about that theory?" Kakashi asked innocently.

"Uh," Naruto sweat-dropped. "Sasuke puts on a pink dress and watches the Barbie Girl music video every night before going to bed!"

Kakashi thought for a moment. A vengeful fan-girl grabbed his ankle and tripped him.

"Ouchies! MANGKEYO SHARINGAN!" he exclaimed, again.

The girl drooled some more.

"Let's go experiment!" Kakashi announced excitedly.

"Untie me, you idiot!"

"OK." Kakashi cut the knot, grabbed Naruto's arm, and skipped away.

* * *

"Kakashi, you moron! I said he does it before he goes to bed! Not midday!" Naruto grumbled at his clearly unstable sensei as he crouched down by a window outside of Sasuke's house.

"Then we'll just have to wait for tonight!"

"Let's go train. Or eat ramen. Or do paperwork."

"Ewww. I don't like paperwork." Kakashi crinkled his eye in disgust.

"Yeah, well I don't either, but I'm Hokage now, so I have to get over it."

"If you leave, I'll sell you to the fan-girls," Kakashi sang.

* * *

Sasuke walked tiredly into his house. He was honestly more tired than he'd been in a while. He'd spent the first half of the day training, but he had spent the latter half trying to stalk Naruto and get him to tell Sasuke a theory. Sadly for Sasuke, Naruto had disappeared in front of his eyes and he'd been unable to find him again.

Right now, Sasuke just wanted sleep.

He walked into his room, wanting to get to the final parts of his nightly routine as fast as he could.

* * *

"He's taking sooo long–Dattebayo!" Naruto grumbled.

"Be patient, Naruto," Kakashi sighed, not really wanting to deal with an impatient Hokage.

* * *

Sasuke brushed his teeth as fast as he could.

"Ow! Ow! Ow!" he exclaimed. "Got to remember _not_ to brush my teeth that hard."

* * *

Naruto sighed. This was taking ages. Sasuke had finally finished brushing his teeth and had moved on to talking to himself in the mirror.

* * *

"Who are _you_? Oh! I know! You're Mr. Handsome! Hmm! Wow! That chicken-butt hair is just–Ooh-Ooh–amazing! You are sooo hot!" he paused and _posed_ for the mirror. "Mirror, mirror, on the wall. Who's the fairest of them all?" he screeched.

"Well, not you," a voice said.

* * *

Naruto snickered as Sasuke asked his _mirror_ who was fairest.

"Well, not you," he said, hoping Sasuke wouldn't notice who'd said it. He had _nearly_ added 'Dattebayo' to the end…

* * *

"What? Not me?" Sasuke curled into a ball on the floor and cried.

About an hour later, he uncurled himself and went into his bedroom. He got dressed and turned on his TV. He clicked his remote a few times and the beginning of Barbie Girl came on.

"Oh, wait!" he quickly paused it and ran to his closet.

A few minutes later, he walked out wearing a poofy, pink, lacey dress.

* * *

Naruto glanced at Kakashi.

"He's insane."

Kakashi nodded his agreement.

* * *

Sasuke walked over to a wooden case that sat on his dresser and carefully opened it. He reached in and pulled a silver crown out of it.

"Now I'm _surely_ the fairest!"

He pressed the _'play'_ button on his remote and let the rest of the song play as he danced with all his heart.

He started to sing along, "I'M A BARBIE GIRL! IN A BARBIE WOOORLD!"

* * *

Meanwhile, outside, Naruto was covering his ears.

"Make it STOP!" Naruto and Kakashi screamed in unison.

They ran faster than ever before to the Hokage tower, where they were met by a herd of fan-girls.

"This is the worst day ever–Dattebayo!" Naruto exclaimed.

* * *

The next day, at Naruto's Inauguration Ceremony, he made a _shocking_ announcement.

"I thank you for allowing me to have this incredibly wonderful position in the village–Dattebayo!"

"Wait, wait!" Danzo exclaimed. "You can't be _already_ wearing the Hokage robes!"

"Why not? They're _awesome_–Dattebayo!!!"

"Because we have to present you with them during the ceremony," Danzo explained.

"Well, now you don't have to. I already have them."

"But it's tradition! You can't mess with tradition!" Danzo exclaimed. "Even _I_ don't mess with _that_!"

Naruto thought for a moment. "That's pretty significant if _you_ aren't messing with it–Dattebayo."

Danzo glared.

"OK. Here they are." Naruto handed Danzo the robes. Sasuke took a picture.

"Mwahahaha! I have the robes! I can rule the world!"

_BOOM!_ The robes blew up in Danzo's hands.

"Hey! My robes!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Here are some spares," an ANBU handed Naruto a set of clean and not-torn robes.

"Yay–Dattebayo! Anyway, people of Konohagakure! I am very happy to stand before you as Hokage! I have a few rules that will be immediately instated."

The villagers looked around in confusion.

"As of now, anyone seen with fan-girl-ish-ness will be executed on the spot…and no chicken-butt hair. Cough–Sasuke–Cough."

"Hey! I don't have chicken-butt hair!" Sasuke yelled.

Every single one of the Konoha villagers stared at him with eyebrows raised. Well, mostly. Some of them didn't have eyebrows. Gai and Lee made up for that, though.

"Get over it, Sasuke. It is punishable by an on-the-spot haircut."

As if on cue, four ANBU came up behind Sasuke.

_Buuuuuzzzzzzzz!_

One of the ANBU handed Sasuke a mirror.

"Oh my Kami! I'm BALD!"

"It's better than being chicken-butt-haired!"


	7. Chapter 7: Nose Plugs for Peeks

**Nose Plugs for Peeks**

Kakashi woke up and sleepily rubbed his eyes.

"Yaaaaaaghh!" he yawned loudly. "Good—yawn—morning, Naruto!" he waved at the boy who was once again tied up by his deranged sensei.

_BAM_!!! Three ANBU broke down the door and rushed into the room.

"Hey, guys!" Kakashi waved.

"Hey, sempai!" One ANBU, who wore a bird mask, exclaimed. "How's it been since you left us?"

"Ah. It's been OK. I kind of miss the rush. I get to sleep in on mornings, now, though."

The three ANBU nodded understandingly.

"Hey, guys! Could you untie me?" Naruto requested.

"Oh, yeah. Sure." One ANBU began to hack at the ropes. Kakashi came over and pulled a rope that had a note neatly tied to it. The note said, "PULL ME TO UNTIE THE CUTE LITTLE HOSTAGE!!!3 !"

Kakashi gasped for air. "It was–gasp–so hard–gasp–to–gasp–untie him!"

"Bye, bye, Sempai!" the three ANBU escorted Naruto back to the Hokage tower.

"Bye, my ANBU friends!" Kakashi wiped a tear from his eye.

* * *

"Kai!" one ANBU exclaimed. The other two ANBU dispersed into smoke and the last one poofed into Sasuke.

"What the hell, Sasuke?" Naruto sweat-dropped as he sat at his desk and filled out some paperwork.

"By posing as ANBU, I could kidnap you and nobody would know! Mwahahaha!"

"Then why'd you take me to my office if you were kidnapping me?"

Sasuke shortly stopped his manic laughter and turned toward Naruto. "So I could hide my true purpose. If three ANBU took you to my house, wouldn't that seem fishy?" He resumed his manic laughter.

Kisame-Fish-Man popped up. "Did someone say 'fish'?"

"Fish-Man! What are you doing here? Aren't you mean to be in jail with Itachi?" Naruto shouted.

"I'm a hologram." Fish-Man flashed away.

"DID SOMEONE SAY ITACHI? I MUST GET VENGEANCE! VENGEANCE! VENGEANCE!" Sasuke screeched.

"Shut up Sasuke." He paused. "What the heck? This is by _far_ the weirdest week ever," Naruto grumbled.

"No kidding," Sasuke agreed.

"You're part of the reason why it's been so weird."

"Hnn. What's been so weird about it?"

"Well first, Sakura and I started arguing and it resulted in me telling you, Sakura, and Kakashi some of my super secret theories! While that in it's self is not so weird, I ended up getting Tsunade in a mental hospital, and I became Hokage. Sakura and Ino became weirdly obsessed with me because they have a…_fetish_ for Emo people—though I'm not Emo looking any more. Neji quit being a ninja because he lost his hairbrush—I'm still not giving it back. We caught the Akatsuki because we sold purple nail polish–in exchange for you. You danced to Barbie Girl by Aqua, while wearing a pink, frilly dress, might I add. And this is the third time I've been kidnapped in two days–not for being Hokage, but for my _theories_! Oh yeah, how did you even escape from that shopkeeper? He was pretty scary…"

Sasuke grinned evilly. "Mwahahaha! MWAHAHAHA! I'LL NEVER TELL YOU! MWAHAHAHA!"

"OK."

"…and I've never danced to Barbie Girl." Sasuke glared to hide his blush.

Naruto shuffled through some papers and found a manila envelope. He handed it to Sasuke. Sasuke opened it and took the contents out. He flipped through the pictures in it quickly.

"Wha–what? How did you get these?" Sasuke screeched.

"That's for me to know and you _not _to find out!"

"Fine! Just tell me a theory, Naruto."

Naruto shrugged. "I _could_ blackmail you…"

"Please! Please, Naruto!" Sasuke was on his hands and knees.

"Fine, fine. You don't have to grovel _that_ much… Um… Kyuubi is gay."

Sasuke stared. And blinked. And stared.

"Can you go away now?" Naruto waved Sasuke away.

"Hnn. No," Sasuke replied.

"Ugh. Why?"

"That was a crappy theory. Everyone knows the Kyuubi is gay. He's totally in love with you. That's kind of weird, though, seeing as he is _inside_ of you and he's as much an animal as you are a human. Though that's not saying much…" Sasuke explained.

"_I_ didn't know everyone knew. We better stop talking about the Kyuubi's sexual preference, though, or else he's going to get really mad… or more mad than he already is."

Sasuke rolled his eyes. "hurry up. I don't have long. I was going to spend the rest of my day planning how to give Itachi a mental breakdown and cardiac arrest."

Naruto sweat-dropped. "…OK? Um… let me think… ahha! Ero-sennin wears nose-plugs to stop himself from having nosebleeds when he goes peeking."

Sasuke thought for a moment. "I don't know. Maybe he's been peeking so long, his body stopped getting nose bleeds."

"If that was true, his body would be immune to seeing women,. He's sure not ever gotten bored of _that_."

Sasuke nodded slowly. "True. Let's test it."

"Test what?"

"Your theory," Sasuke said as if it was the most obvious thing ever.

"It isn't really—"

"We'll go check if Jiraiya-san really does wear nose-plugs."

"Oh. OK."

* * *

"Oh! Ah! Hehe!" Jiraiya giggled.

"Sasuke, help me get closer so I can check his nose."

"How do want me to do that?"

"I don't know. Just give me a rope or something."

"Fine." Sasuke threw a rope at Naruto.

"You're meant to hold on to one end of it, you moron!" BAM! Naruto hit the ground

* * *

"Maybe you could Henge into a rat or something…"

"And do what?" Naruto grunted.

"Get close to Jiraiya-san and check his nose."

"Henge!"

Twitch. Twitch.

Naruto, now in his rat form sauntered over to Jiraiya and got close enough to see up his nose when—BAM!

Jiraiya screeched at the top of his lungs and whacked Naruto as hard as he could.

"That… did not work…" Sasuke cringed.

* * *

"Jiraiya-sama…" a _cute_ voice said behind him.

Jiraiya chuckled his heart out and turned around. His eyes bulged at the girl. Sasuke took a picture.

"Sasuke, it's been a while since you've last had your camera."

"I lost my camera for a while."

In front of Jiraiya stood a tall, thin blonde who was naked. Her hair was in pigtails and her bright blue eyes averted Jiraiya's gaze shyly.

"Jir—" she began.

"Woaahhh! You're so pretty!" he hopped up next to her. Sasuke click, click, clicked.

"Jiraiya-sama," she asked. "do you wear nose-plugs?"

Jiraiya answered without thinking. "Yes. I do it to prevent blood loss."

"Pervert," came the voice of his young blonde student, Naruto. Sasuke took a picture.

Jiraiya opened his eyes. The blonde girl was gone and Naruto was glaring at him in her place.

* * *

"Well, Sasuke, after taking three showers, I came straight here."

"Three?" Sasuke asked. He was soon shut up by Naruto's glare.

"So, Sasuke, the results are that yes, Ero-sennin does in fact wear nose-plugs"

"Oh. I'm not that surprised."

"anyway, I have to go take another four showers."

"Why?"

"To wash off the Ero-germs!"


	8. Chapter 8: Multicolored Spandex

**If you look at my FanFiction profile page, you will see that Kakashi is #4 in my favorite 5 Naruto characters, so this is not Kakashi bashing. I was on a bit of a sugar high when I wrote this and ended up making him a complete weenie.**

**Multicolored spandex**

"So guys, guess what?" Kakashi prompted happily.

Naruto, Sasuke, and Sakura stared at him.

"I really have begun to hate team meetings. Naruto grumbled. "Maybe I should outlaw them…"

"Instead of training today, we're going to listen to some of Naruto's theories!" Kakashi eye-smiled.

"Don't I have to agree to that first?" Naruto asked, becoming rather aggravated.

"Nope," Sasuke, Sakura, and Kakashi replied in unison.

"Ugh."

Sasuke, Sakura, and Kakashi stared at him expectantly.

_Sigh_. "I believe that Lee would wear his spandex anyway if they were dyed pink, purple, or other colors."

"Probably," Kakashi said thoughtfully. "I know Gai would."

"That would be weird, but he probably would," Sakura agreed.

"Hnn," 'Hnn'-ed Sasuke. Well, who else would 'Hnn'? Maybe Neji.

"Let's go!" Kakashi exclaimed. Sasuke took a picture.

"This better be quick. I have lots of paperwork to do."

"It won't be!" Kakashi said happily. "first, we have to steal his spandex, then we have to dye them pretty colors, then—"

"…_pretty_…._colors_…?" Naruto repeated.

"Yep. Then we have to put them back. Then we just watch and see! Yay!" Kakashi clapped his hands together.

"You're weird. I really don't have much of a choice, do I?" Naruto asked.

"Nope." Sasuke scrambled for his camera.

* * *

"This is Lee's house?" Sasuke cringed at the bright yellow house. He took a picture anyway.

"Well, yeah. It says, 'THIS IS THE YOUTHFUL HOUSE OF ROCK LEE!'" Kakashi explained. Sasuke took a picture.

As they snuck in, they idly noted that everything was youthful. His kitchen did not have sugar; it had "Sugar in the SPRINGTIME OF YOUTH!" and "Milky youthfulness" or "coffee of youth" and "passionately youthful Oreos".

"I don't really think Lee should be drinking coffee…" Sakura whispered.

"Hnn."

"Only Lee could make a welcome mat look like it's shouting…" Sakura trailed off.

* * *

"Are we going to dye all of his spandex, or just some of it?" Sasuke asked, holding a large pile of green Youthfulness.

"All of them," Kakashi said.

"Hai."

* * *

"Dip it! And dye it! And dry it!" Naruto sang. "Dip, dip, dip it! And dye, dye, dye it! And dry, dry, dry it! Dip! Dye! Dry! Till the green has turned to piiiiiiiiiiinnnnkkkk!" Sasuke took a picture.

"Sasuke, go buy me some ear plugs or I'll Chidori you."

"O-OK!"

"Kakashi-sensei! Make him stop!" Sakura covered her ears.

" I would, but I might accidentally kill him. Then all the theories would be lost! No! Not the theories! Gah!" Kakashi briefly had a panic attack on the floor while Sakura threw darts at Naruto.

"Dip it! And dye it! And dry it! Dip, dip, dip it! And dye, dye, dye it! And dry, dry, dry it! Dip! Dye! Dry! Till the green has turned to piiiiiiiiiiinnnnkkkk!"

* * *

"Dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun—"

"Be quiet Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto screamed.

"I can't sneak into Lee's house without singing the mission impossible theme song!" he defended. "That would be bad!" Sasuke took a picture.

"Yeah, but we'll get caught!" Sakura exclaimed.

"Shush!" Naruto whispered [sort of].

* * *

They snuck into Lee's house for the second time. They arrived in Lee's bedroom and saw his sleeping form on the bed.

"Oh noes!" Kakashi put his fingers to his mouth in a fretting motion. "This is bad, bad, bad!"

Sasuke, Sakura, and Naruto stared at him as if he had two heads.

"…'oh noes'…?" Sakura repeated.

"Sakura, put Lee under a Genjutsu while we hang his spandex back up in his closet," Naruto instructed.

"OK, Naruto-_kun_." She leaned in for a kiss on the lips just as Naruto accidentally shoved her through Lee's door. Literally. There was a hole and everything.

"OK, Naruto-kun. He's under a Genjutsu."

Sasuke and Naruto hung up Lee's spandex as fast as they could while Kakashi used Sasuke for target practice.

* * *

"So, what do we do now, Naruto-kun?" Sakura asked.

"We stalk Lee for the day," Kakashi answered for Naruto.

Sakura glared.

_BAM_!

Ino flew into Sakura and started yanking at Sakura's pink hair.

"He's mine, Forehead!"

"Whatever, Pig! He's always loved me!"

"Liar! You and your huge forehead can just go marry Sasuke!"

"Why won't anyone stalk _me_?" Sasuke cried. "I want a stalker!" He crawled into the Emo-corner with his camera.

"Listen, Pig! Naruto-kun is _MINE_!!"

"Did you just call my future husband 'Naruto-_kun_'? Eh?"

Naruto backed away. "This is getting a little out of hand. Their already planning weddings and I don't even like either one."

Kakashi nodded sympathetically between his strange giggling.

"TIME TO START THE YOUTHFUL D—WHAT IS THIS? I LOVE THIS! OOOH! PREEETTTY COLORS!"

Lee bounded out of his house, clad in yellow and pink spandex.

"Um, Lee? What are you wearing?" Ino asked, mouth full of pink hair.

"Why, youthful Ino! These are spandex!"

"Yeah, I know that. _All_ of Konoha knows about your strange love for spandex. But why exactly are they pink and yellow?"

"I don't know the youthful answer to that passionate question! Do you like the youthful colors?" Lee spun.

"Uh…sure."

"Hey, Lee, why are you wearing them if you don't even know why they are that color… or those colors?" Naruto snickered.

"THEY ARE THE TRUE ITEM OF THE POWER OF YOUTH!" Lee screamed into Kakashi's ear.

"I can't hear anything in my left ear!" Kakashi screeched. "I won't be able to hear the THEORIES!"


	9. Chapter 9: Missing a Habit?

EeBee-kohai apologizes for the long update! She was writing other stuff, like her Kaasan's Day story and her other story, Blinking (which is awesome!)! Anyway, read on, EeBee-kohai's friends! EeBee-kohai needs mental help. Seriously. This is officially more than a Crack-Fic. It is a Speed-Fic. EeBee-kohai is sad to say that this is officially the last chapter!

An angel jumps off a cliff as she cries her eyes out. Twenty more angels follow suit. How could you, EeBee-kohai?

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

**Missing a Habit?**

Naruto glared.

Kakashi glared.

Naruto glared.

Kakashi glared.

Naruto glared.

Kakashi glared.

Naruto glared.

Kakashi glared.

Naruto glared.

Kakashi glared.

Naruto glared.

Kakashi glared.

Naruto glared.

"Seriously, can we stop glaring already? My eyes are getting tired," Naruto asked gruffly.

Kakashi blinked rapidly. "OK. My eyes hurt, too."

"I wanna' learn a new Jutsu! Teach me! Teach me!" Sasuke cried.

"Shut up, before I give you to a pedophile to rape you constantly…and we all know you attract pedophiles." Naruto lowered his voice and muttered under his breath, "I'm just glad we could remove your Cursed Hickey…" Naruto turned his head slightly to see a pile of bluish liquid on the grass right next to him. "Sakura, could you refrain from drooling so much? Not only is it kinda' creepy, but I also really like Konoha and I don't really look forward to it being drowned in your _spit_. Boy, would that be hard to clean up. And think of all the paperwork!"

Sakura hesitantly closed her mouth and promptly choked. "Ack!"

Naruto patted her on the back. Remember that the authoress did not specify whether it was a hard pat or a light pat.

"Naruto, you killed my fan-girl!" Sasuke screeched.

"You don't have fan-girls," Naruto commented idly.

"You bastard! Give me back my fan-girls and I _will_ have some!"

"You can have them!"

Sakura promptly got up and any remnants of the fact that she had previously been injured or possibly dead were gone. "No, Sasuke! I won't go back! I don't love you!" She allowed tears to roll down her face.

"I had fan-girls…until…until…Uzumaki Naruto _took_ them all! Why, Naruto? Why?" Sasuke exclaimed.

"Uh…it was an accident?"

"No! You liar! Give me my fan-girls back!"

"…?…" Naruto raised his eyebrows.

Sasuke ran away quickly, screaming something about fan-girls, vengeance, pedophiles, and Martians.

"…OK… uh, Kakashi, what's on today's schedule?" Naruto asked slowly.

"Well, Naruto, today we are going to hear another theory that you are _going_ to tell us!" Kakashi answered dangerously. He'd _definitely_ been around Anko too long.

"Uh. OK," Naruto said, momentarily forgetting that he was, in fact, _the_ Hokage.

Yes. _The_ Hokage. Not just _any_ Hokage. He was _the_ Hokage of the Village of Coolness known as Konoha. And yes, he deserved the_ "the"_.

Random rant: done.

"Soooo, I think that Hinata's stutter is probably gone now that Neji is no longer about to try and give her mental breakdowns."

"Why can't Neji give her mental breakdowns?" Sakura asked.

Naruto blinked. "I had actually forgotten you were there…" Sakura's face turned into a pout. "Err. Sorry, Sakura…?"

Her face turned back into a smile.

"Erm. He was put into the Konoha Looney Bin after the hairbrush…incident."

"Oh, right. I remember," Sakura nodded for Naruto to continue, which was strange, because Naruto had finished what he'd wanted to say.

"So, uh… Sakura? Why are you staring at me like I'm a…pole dancer?" Naruto asked. "It's creepy."

She frowned again. "I'm not! I only know one pole dancer—"

"Why do you know _any_ pole dancers?" Kakashi asked jealously.

Sakura glared at him as if to say, 'Shut up and let me continue. As I was saying…' (That's one informative glare…) "It's Itachi," she finished.

"Where!" Sasuke shouted as he glanced around—after he had come back, of course.

"No, Sasuke, I mean the pole dancer I know is Itachi. And I'm your fan-girl, Naruto; of course I'm looking at you like that."

Kakashi formed a shadow clone. "Did she…just admit to being a fan-girl?" Kakashi asked himself. The clone nodded. "Oh. You can go now." The clone poofed away.

Sakura turned to him. "Due to Naruto's Therapy no Jutsu, his fan-girls face their worse problems and try to fix them. I am facing my fan-girl-isms," she explained. "I have officially quit the Sasuke-Fan-Girl Club, and furthermore, I have given the presidential seat to Ino!" she squealed.

"All she needs to do now is quit the Naruto-Fan-Girl Club," Naruto muttered to himself. (This time, there was no clone…)

"Awe, Naruto-poo! I love you!" Sakura cooed.

"Gah! Let-let's go carry out the experiment, now. Sound like a plan?" Naruto rambled nervously. He had begun to glance around to make sure he didn't get glomp-attacked by a gazillion rabid fan-girls.

"Let's experiment!" Kakashi trotted off after grabbing both Sasuke and Naruto.

"Ack!"

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

"Hey, Hinata!" Sakura said kindly.

"Listen, girly, I've been looking for you for a while!" Hinata exclaimed, Kunai in hand. "Naruto-kun is mine! So get away from him and _STAY_ away from him! Got that?"

Sakura paled. "So-so-sorry, hi-Hinata-chan…" Sakura paused at Hinata's disapproving glare. "…hime? Yes, Hinata-hime? Oh my Kami, Hinata-hime! Don't kill me! Ouch! That's sharp! Hey, we can talk about it! OK! I'll stay away from Naruto!"

Hinata smiled viciously. "Mwahahaha! Now, I can take over the world!"

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

"…All this happened from the disappearance of a single Hyuuga?" Naruto said quietly.

Kakashi nodded slowly.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

"…AND IF YOU DARE TO GO NEAR HIM, I'LL RIP OUT YOUR LUNGS ALONG WITH FOUR OTHER IMPORTANT ORGANS AND WATCH YOU…" Hinata screamed.

––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––

Naruto backed away. "Kakashi-sensei, she is freaky."

"Yeah."

Sasuke nodded.

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"…AND THEN I'LL DRAIN YOUR BLOOD SLOWLY AND LISTEN TO YOUR BREATHING BECOME SLOW AND—"

"Hinata!" Naruto exclaimed.

"Naruto?" Hinata said sweetly.

"I, uh, could you be, you know, nicer to my teammate?"

"Of course, Naruto-kun." Hinata smiled softly.

Naruto stood uneasily.

"Do you have anything else to say, Naruto-kun?" Sweetness poured out of her like a rather unpleasant bodily fluid.

"Erm, are you OK, Hinata?"

"Yes. Since Neji left, I've felt a new sense of self-confidence. I am brave! Mwahahaha! Oops. Sorry. Uh. I love you, by the way."

"Eh? What? What do you mean by 'by the way'? And, uh, you like me?" Naruto rambled. Apparently her stalking him hadn't tipped him off.

"Yeah. I thought it was obvious…"

"I'm not Observant-san!" (Haha. Mr. Observant…)

"Whatever. Naruto-kun, do you like me?"

"Uh, yeah, but your kinda' freaking me out."

"Well, you won't have to worry about that, now," Kakashi pointed out. "Neji has just been released from captivity and is planning to move past his lack of hairbrush and become a ninja again, along with Tsunade, who does not want her position back and has to go to therapy from rice balls—her words, not mine—and Tobi has been put away in prison, finally," Kakashi explained.

"Cool. Hinata, wanna' go on a date?"

Hinata's eye's widened. Neji was back? Oh noes! "Eeeerrrrrr. Su-su-su-sure, Na-na-Naruto-ku-kun."

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Angels are jumping off cliffs! Oh no! EeBee-kohai! How could you end the story? EeBee-kohai's sorry, but she felt like the ideas were getting stale and was so very hard to write! Plus, a story must end somewhere! She cries her eyes out in a closet as we type!


End file.
